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January 26th, 2005


10:38 am - [PRIVATE] Thoughts
I don't think I've ever slept so little in a week. I'm exhausted but when I lie down I just keep seeing the accident - over and over and over again. I can imagine Tony in the driver's seat talking to his parents, maybe laughing because he loves to laugh and then the sounds of shrieking metal and screaming. His parents are crushed. His mom died instantly, his dad a little later.

The police report, whcih I've gotten a hold of, said that the car that hit them was going at least 60 miles an hour. Violent impact in the intersection.

I can't stop thinking about it. I sit with Tony and think about how close I came to losing him and that our last conversation would have been a stupid petty argument, one where I didn't even say I love you.

His parents were buried on Monday. Maybe I should have gone, but the thought of going back to SF, to leaving Tony alone in the hospital, I couldn't do it. But to be truthful there was probably more to it than that. His parents never really warmed up to me. Whenever I saw them or talked to them there was always this distance I couldn't breach. They didn't approve of me and I don't know why. Tony would say that I should just give them time but I felt the tension when his mom was here for Christmas and I know they wanted someone more 'traditional' for Tony. Probably a woman who didn't have his crazy schedule and no desire to have kids yet.

But now they're gone. Maria's the only person in the family who made an effort to get to know me and we're not even really close. I still feel like such an outsider.

Friday after getting home from the hospital I called my mom. I told her about the accident and how sorry I was that I hadn't called more often, how much I loved her, how I needed to see her soon and that I missed her and then I started crying and couldn't stop and she told me that I should come visit but I can't leave Tony.

Saturday we were watching tv in the hospital room and a sports report came on and I almost fell in my haste to turn the channel. I looked over at him for a reaction and he was just staring at the screen. He hasn't really mourned yet but I guess that's hard to do when you're in a hospital bed and not sure about your own health.

The worst thing is that I miss working. I'm not allowed to be at the hospital 24/7 and right now I don't really want to be home. Maybe I should visit my mom but...I don't know.

I don't really like having all this time to think. I know that I need to sleep, but I keep having these horrible nightmares where Tony died in the crash, or his mom's crushed body talks to me and says that Tony needs someone so much better and I just keep going over the accident and things don't add up but I don't know if they're not adding up because I'm so exhausted or if because something is really wrong.
Current Mood: draineddrained

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January 23rd, 2005


06:14 pm - Sunday update
I want to thank everyone for their words of sympathy and concern.

Tony is awake and lucid. I didn't realize how much I'd miss his voice until faced with the prospect of never hearing it again.

I'm debating about whether to stay here with Tony or go to the funeral. I think I might go to the funeral but I don't want to leave him alone and the thought of driving back to SF right now is making me almost queasy.

Again thank you all for your concern. Tony's awake and the doctors are hopeful. And that's all I know right now.
Current Mood: numbnumb

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January 21st, 2005


10:01 pm - Attn: Tony - Michelle at the hospital
From Thursday night:

Maria placed her hand on Michelle's shoulderCollapse )
Current Mood: crushedcrushed

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January 20th, 2005


04:02 pm - Tony
I need to get out of here.

I'm going to the hospital right now and will be there until...

And his parents? Oh God...I'm sorry I can't do this right now. Adam, find someone to take over my duties for a few days.

If anyone gets to talk to him please let him know that I'm on my way and I love him so much and that we're going to get through this and...I have to go now.
Current Mood: scaredscared

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January 19th, 2005


11:48 pm - IM with Tony
Just talked to Tony. This was our conversation. In reference to this thread: Tony and Jack.

IM Conversation with TonyCollapse )
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

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08:57 pm - I was busier than I thought
Seeing Tony's post reminded me that I haven't written in here in a while.

I've been very happy lately because Tony and I have been spending a lot of time together. Also, I don't have to tell everyone how busy we were after new year's and how Division has insisted on a brand new system of file organization. Sometimes I think that they do it just to keep us busy.

I'm in San Fran right now. The conference is...a conference. I miss Tony but the hotel has a mini-bar and cold chocolate. So things aren't too bad. I got to see Alex last night. She was my sophmore year roommate and went into law while I went into technology. She's actually a civil rights lawyer and spent most of the evening talking about the morality of torture. It was only vaguely uncomfortable for me. But, apparently that's a case she's working on right now and so I drank my wine and tried not to insult her or feel too guilty.

It's not that I've ever tortured someone personally but - well... Anyway, some people from the conference are having a late dinner downstairs and I'm going to go join them. I'll call Tony later.
Current Mood: okayokay

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December 31st, 2004


04:37 pm - Happy New Year!
Things have been crazy around here. Tony's family came over for Christmas and that went really well -- surprisingly well. I was happy that he was able to take the day off. When we got married I never thought I'd be spending so many holidays alone. I'd agreed to work tomorrow to have tonight off but Tony had kind of made the opposite arragement.

I think around 10 I'll go over to CTU armed with a bottle of champagne and glasses. I don't want him to spend the holiday alone, either.

As Tony said most of this year was spent inside CTU and most of next year will be too. I'm happy with the way my life is going although there's a few things I need to work on. So here are my New Year's resolutions:

1) Worry less. Tony has this idea that everything will be okay in the end and I tend to micromanage. I'm going to try to be a little more laid back.

2) Spend more time with Tony.

3) Learn a new skill - possibly cooking, it's been on my to do list for a while.

4) Say 'no' sometimes when people ask for my help.

5) Make more friends. I tend to be a little bit of a loner but I'm going to try to reach out to co-workers.

6) Be nicer to Dana.

I hope everyone has a great New Year's and I'll probably see some of you tonight.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

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December 9th, 2004


12:21 pm - Work Work Work
It's been days since I've written here. Mostly that's because of work. Mainly the defense scandal that just broke and we've been processing intel on it for days.

I'm working on about an hour of sleep right now and my eyes are blurry from looking at all these documents and e-mails. The only times I've seen Tony lately have been when I've looked up at his office or we've met for a quick exchange of information. Did I want to be this busy? I can't believe I was complaining about the slowness a week or two ago.

Even Chloe and Adam have been busy enough that they've kept their bickering to a minimum.

I guess I should have known that things were quiet for way too long. The only good thing is that as wrapped up as Tony and I have been in work we've not had a chance to get into any arguments. Which is actually a really good thing.
Current Mood: busybusy

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December 1st, 2004


09:20 pm - Going through pictures
I'm going through old pictures and I found this:

Tonyloaf with Soulpatch

You're right, Tony, that soulpatch wasn't the most attractive look ever.

Then again, I'm sure I have some not so flattering pictures of bad hair days myself.
Current Mood: amusedamused

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November 30th, 2004


04:05 pm - [Private to myself] Tony has a picture of Nina
I shouldn't care. It shouldn't bother me. I love my husband. He loves me. I have no doubt of his love or the depth of his feelings. But there's this...Nina thing and it's the elephant in the room.

As much as he hates to admit it, I know that Tony cared about her at one point. I know that. I just like to pretend that their relationship was purely physical because otherwise I have to think that -- it could have gone somewhere.

Would I have ever met Tony if Nina hadn't turned out to be a double agent? Would I be his wife now? If things hadn't gone wrong how long could she have stayed at CTU or stayed in Tony's life?

I'm not sure I like going down this path.

The more worrying thing is the fact that he could care about both of us. My husband was attracted to both a murderous traitor and myself. It makes me wonder if we have things in common. I don't want to think about it.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent

 

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