|10:38 am - [PRIVATE] Thoughts|
I don't think I've ever slept so little in a week. I'm exhausted but when I lie down I just keep seeing the accident - over and over and over again. I can imagine Tony in the driver's seat talking to his parents, maybe laughing because he loves to laugh and then the sounds of shrieking metal and screaming. His parents are crushed. His mom died instantly, his dad a little later.
The police report, whcih I've gotten a hold of, said that the car that hit them was going at least 60 miles an hour. Violent impact in the intersection.
I can't stop thinking about it. I sit with Tony and think about how close I came to losing him and that our last conversation would have been a stupid petty argument, one where I didn't even say I love you.
His parents were buried on Monday. Maybe I should have gone, but the thought of going back to SF, to leaving Tony alone in the hospital, I couldn't do it. But to be truthful there was probably more to it than that. His parents never really warmed up to me. Whenever I saw them or talked to them there was always this distance I couldn't breach. They didn't approve of me and I don't know why. Tony would say that I should just give them time but I felt the tension when his mom was here for Christmas and I know they wanted someone more 'traditional' for Tony. Probably a woman who didn't have his crazy schedule and no desire to have kids yet.
But now they're gone. Maria's the only person in the family who made an effort to get to know me and we're not even really close. I still feel like such an outsider.
Friday after getting home from the hospital I called my mom. I told her about the accident and how sorry I was that I hadn't called more often, how much I loved her, how I needed to see her soon and that I missed her and then I started crying and couldn't stop and she told me that I should come visit but I can't leave Tony.
Saturday we were watching tv in the hospital room and a sports report came on and I almost fell in my haste to turn the channel. I looked over at him for a reaction and he was just staring at the screen. He hasn't really mourned yet but I guess that's hard to do when you're in a hospital bed and not sure about your own health.
The worst thing is that I miss working. I'm not allowed to be at the hospital 24/7 and right now I don't really want to be home. Maybe I should visit my mom but...I don't know.
I don't really like having all this time to think. I know that I need to sleep, but I keep having these horrible nightmares where Tony died in the crash, or his mom's crushed body talks to me and says that Tony needs someone so much better and I just keep going over the accident and things don't add up but I don't know if they're not adding up because I'm so exhausted or if because something is really wrong.
Current Mood: drained